Whether we’re having it or not, we all love to talk about sex. The boomers love a sexual innuendo; the internet loves to get outraged about the ways in which people express their sexuality; and everyone loves to unpack sex on screen (guilty!). What few of us are any good at, though, is talking about sex — or, more accurately, pleasure — in any meaningful way with the people who matter: our sexual partners.

This makes sense: although we’ve come a long way, sex — and especially women’s sexual desire and pleasure — is still rarely openly discussed. Most of us were brought up to see sex as dirty, embarrassing, or even shameful, thanks in part to our diabolical sex education, in which the enjoyment of sex (the whole point) was never discussed. It’s no wonder, then, that most of us have entered adulthood blind when it comes to how to navigate sex — how to have it, how to talk about it, and, perhaps most depressingly, what good sex actually looks like.

Ironically, all of this is compounded by the fact that, in many ways, we have more sexual freedom than ever. It’s no longer as taboo to have sex outside of a relationship (though archaic, misogynistic double standards still prevail), and so, many of us often have sex with people before we’ve gotten to know them.

Why poor communication = limp sex

So, where does this leave us? Well, it leaves us tolerating damn average sex. Last year, when we surveyed you, 72% of you said you sometimes or regularly feign greater pleasure during sex, while 44% of you said you sometimes or regularly fake it completely. You told us that you do it for a variety of reasons, including: to make the other person happy or boost their self-esteem; to not let your partner down; so you don’t “seem like a boring shag”; to avoid dealing with rejection; to help you get into the zone and enjoy the sex more; to “get it over with quicker”; and to make sure your partner doesn’t “feel bad” because they’d “be offended” if they knew “it [orgasming] wasn’t going to happen”. Bit bleak, guys.

Other stats back this sorry state of affairs up. As per Durex’s new Global Sex Survey, a fifth of those surveyed said they struggle to communicate what they do and don’t want from their partner, while just one in six said their partner is good at giving them pleasure. Meanwhile, a whopping 60% said it’s difficult to admit if they’re experiencing any sexual problems.

And while your sexual pleasure is an important metric in and of itself, the effects of this sexual communication crisis can bleed into the fabric of your relationships — and addressing it could help you have more fruitful communication outside of the bedroom. There’s a wealth of evidence that shows couples who communicate more about their sexual desires, preferences, fears, and fantasies report higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction, and, in turn, greater life satisfaction.

It tracks! If you can feel bold enough to tell your partner what you need them to do with their hands, it makes sense that stating your needs when it comes to their time, terms of the relationship, and where you see them fitting along with your big life goals becomes a little less intimidating.

The toxic role of sex on screen

You can’t blame movies for everything, but, in the absence of comprehensive sex education, portrayals of sex on screen — whether Hollywood films or pornography — have shaped a lot of people’s ideas about sex. This definitely plays a role in the orgasm gap. Clitoral stimulation, which most women need to climax, hasn’t historically been included in the cultural messaging about what straight sex is all about: penetration. Not just that, but sex on screen tends to be seamless. There’s no fumbling with the condom; there’s rarely conversation during sex (whether about what does or doesn’t feel good, switching positions, acknowledgment of any clumsy moments); and there’s almost never clean-up afterwards.

“Movies, shows, and mainstream porn often portray sex as effortless and perfectly timed,” agrees Drury. “This creates unrealistic standards and pressure to ‘perform’.” If you’re seeing sex as a performance, rather than a form of play that you can lose yourself in, you’re more likely to ‘stick to the script’, as it were, and prioritise perceived perfection over actual pleasure. In turn, you’re bound to get less enjoyment out of it.

This can also influence sexual health precautions. Back in September, Durex released a survey about why condom usage has fallen in the UK, with 14% of people saying they avoid condoms because they reduce spontaneity, while 13% consider them to be a mood-killer. “Real-life sex is naturally varied and doesn’t have to mirror media portrayals,” continues Drury. “Try to shift the focus to presence, pleasure, and connection, rather than trying to achieve an idealised, spontaneous scenario.”

The four-step formula to get better at sexual communication (and get off)

So, now what? “Knowing more about your body and sexuality can make you feel more empowered in general,” says Drury. “Books, articles, and podcasts on intimacy can help break down misconceptions and broaden your vocabulary for talking about these topics [and then more].”

Fox says she’s developed a model for comfortable communication about sex that she calls ‘The Four Cs’.

The first, she tells Cosmopolitan UK, is to be curious: “Your aim is to learn from one another. Try to keep an open mind and ask questions before making judgements.”

Then, be compassionate: “Try to think kindly about what might be concerning your lover, reflect on how things may feel from their point of view, and consider where they may need support.”

Be calm: “Getting whipped up into a frenzy won’t serve you. Don’t dissect sex when you’ve just had it and you’re naked and vulnerable. Make a brew, then sit and chat, or talk while you walk outside.”

And, finally, be cheery: “Remind yourself that everything you’re learning has the potential to make sex better for you both so, really, it’s a positive conversation. Even if bits of it are hard in the moment. It might well end up having playful, exciting, and horny elements, too!”

If you remove any mentions of sex, this is just good advice for everyday communication with your partner. And, yes, it might be scary and it might start some difficult conversations, but at least there’ll hopefully be a good shag at the end of it — which is what life’s really all about, isn’t it?